Secret Hell

No one knows the secret hell that addicts face, unless you've also been there. I imagine each type of addiction is slightly different in what that hell looks like. For me, someone who struggles with food addiction, my secret hell is in my head. I am still struggling to get back into full recovery. In talking with Doc today, one bite of the wrong thing can be enough for some people to fall. That one bite turns into 6-10 days of hell. Food addiction is tough because sugar and wheat mess with your brain chemistry. That is why my hell is in my head. My brain chemistry is really out of whack. I was driving with my son a few minutes ago, heading to the bank, and it started.....a craving that threatened to take me over. I had two different voices yelling in my head. Remember in the older cartoons where there would be a character and there was a devil and an angel on their shoulders? That is what I sometimes get in my head. I have my brain and body screaming at me to go get this food item. When it is yelling at you that hard, you want to hurry up and feed it so that it shuts up. That's why addicts cannot walk away alone. There is literal bondage to the substance in question. The voice is screaming at me and I am going to feed it, knowing full well that it is going to make me feel awful. I will get physically sick from it. Sounds like insanity, doesn't it? My other voice was the Holy Spirit, reminding me that I do not have to let food win. Through God, I can glorify him through walking away and replacing this struggle with something healthy. A verse in 2 Timothy I read this morning says to let God be our strength. The Holy Spirit reminded me of that, so here I sit writing this instead of caving into the bad voice. I chose to let God win.

Don't Let Your Guard Down

Being an addict of anything, whether it be food, alcohol, drugs, sex, etc., is not an easy condition to live with. You have to remain on guard at all times. The moment you relax, you start to slip. One slip leads to an avalanche. This weekend, I had a girl's pamper night with some of my friends. Everyone brought a snack to share. I brought fruit. Unfortunately, I was having so much fun that I let my guard down and I ended up eating a whole bunch of sugary things. Three months of doing well and one bite messed up my eating in a big way. It's so true that you cannot just eat a little. One bite leads to a landslide. I've been off-kilter since the Chicago trip. The struggle to get back where you were can feel almost impossible. God's Word says "For I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." (Philippians 4:13) I need to refocus. I need to focus on God and I need to log all of my food choices in WW online. Today, I stepped on the scale, recorded my weigh in (which was up a little) and logged my breakfast. I read today's entry in the 24 Hour book. It's the book that people in Alcoholics Anonymous read every day. You plug in food addict words in place of alcohol and most of it applies. Any addiction is a LIFELONG struggle. It's hard....that's why we're instructed to focus on today and not look too far ahead. Get through today. Then the next day. Then the next day. In the middle of this struggle, God is bringing me more people to help. It's amazing that as you work to help others with the same struggle, it helps you too.

Time to Refocus

It is easy to lose your focus and get sidetracked....especially when you go on vacation. My husband and I spent a few days in Chicago last week with our kids. It was a nice family getaway. The kids loved the big city and especially the aquarium! When you battle food addiction, travel is tricky! As I think of my food choices from last week, some were good, some were not so good. I didn't really go 'whole hog' but I did compromise some of my food choices. Even the few days after we got home, I didn't really refocus my effort on staying in recovery. That stops here. Today is a new day and while I cannot go backward, I CAN change how I move forward. I started with an 'in plan' breakfast. One thing I've learned is to stay positive and not to dwell on the negative. Thinking through my week and reflecting on what happened is the best way to move in the right direction. I am going to continue with my running program too. We did so much walking in Chicago, my legs were sore for a few days. Onward and upward!