I want to be a Yes girl!

So here I am, still trying to get myself back on track. This is something I really cannot do without the help of God. I do not have the strength to stay true to recovery from food addiction without Him. I find that my focus needs to be on Him and when I lose my focus, I fall back into old habits.

I am doing an online Bible study through Proverbs 31 Ministries: What Happens When Women Say Yes To God. It is a wonderful study. My struggle comes in determining exactly what God wants of me right now. I want to be a girl who says YES! to God, but I confess that it's often hard. My selfishness gets in the way. I look at myself in the mirror and dislike what I see, but then I seem powerless to do something about it.

I have a game plan. For the first four weeks, focus on the couch to 5k running plan. Then after the four weeks, I want to add a workout DVD two times a week. It would look like this: Sunday: rest day, Monday: DVD, Tuesday: running, Wednesday: rest day, Thursday: running, Friday: DVD, Saturday: running.

I was going to start the running this week, but I started homeschooling my kids this week and found myself very tired from adjusting to a new schedule. My plan now is to start running on Sept. 3.

I know I need to address the eating too. I haven't gone totally off kilter, but there are definitely areas where I need to hold fast to. I have developed IBS and there are many foods that really bother me. I am working on figuring out which foods trigger my negative symptoms so that I can make an "avoid these" list. I know that my food addiction trigger foods will be on that list too.

Focus on God. That is my key to success.

Haiti and Beyond

My trip to Haiti was fabulous! I learned even more about the people and culture. Haitian food is so good.....and does not make me feel ill the way food here does. I've been back for about 3 days and my digestive system has been miserably out of whack. American food is horrible. It makes me feel awful. Getting back to healthy, organic eating is the only option. I read something today about stopping the many excuses we make for things we don't want to do, but know we should. Every day I need to choose the right foods. Feeling ill is miserable. I had a good breakfast and logged it in WW. I have a weight loss goal to reach and health to gain.

And The Challenge Continues

I haven't written much lately because I am still struggling. I was getting very overwhelmed trying to keep the different facets of my life straight and I went to focusing on WW only lately. Well, I have been feeling like crud. I saw my doctor today because I have been having some digestive issues for a good six months or more. She diagnosed me with IBS. She suggested a diet (FODMAP) that helps manage the symptoms which can make life tricky. I printed the list and I am surprised at many things on this avoid list. Apples are on the avoid list due to their sugar content. I eat apples a lot so this is going to be a big change. It eliminates most dairy too. I need to learn to better manage my stress as well. Stress can cause IBS symptoms to worsen. I've noticed this link in my own body. The challenge continues for me to find the best eating plan for my life. I want to feel better and get healthier.

Secret Hell

No one knows the secret hell that addicts face, unless you've also been there. I imagine each type of addiction is slightly different in what that hell looks like. For me, someone who struggles with food addiction, my secret hell is in my head. I am still struggling to get back into full recovery. In talking with Doc today, one bite of the wrong thing can be enough for some people to fall. That one bite turns into 6-10 days of hell. Food addiction is tough because sugar and wheat mess with your brain chemistry. That is why my hell is in my head. My brain chemistry is really out of whack. I was driving with my son a few minutes ago, heading to the bank, and it started.....a craving that threatened to take me over. I had two different voices yelling in my head. Remember in the older cartoons where there would be a character and there was a devil and an angel on their shoulders? That is what I sometimes get in my head. I have my brain and body screaming at me to go get this food item. When it is yelling at you that hard, you want to hurry up and feed it so that it shuts up. That's why addicts cannot walk away alone. There is literal bondage to the substance in question. The voice is screaming at me and I am going to feed it, knowing full well that it is going to make me feel awful. I will get physically sick from it. Sounds like insanity, doesn't it? My other voice was the Holy Spirit, reminding me that I do not have to let food win. Through God, I can glorify him through walking away and replacing this struggle with something healthy. A verse in 2 Timothy I read this morning says to let God be our strength. The Holy Spirit reminded me of that, so here I sit writing this instead of caving into the bad voice. I chose to let God win.

Don't Let Your Guard Down

Being an addict of anything, whether it be food, alcohol, drugs, sex, etc., is not an easy condition to live with. You have to remain on guard at all times. The moment you relax, you start to slip. One slip leads to an avalanche. This weekend, I had a girl's pamper night with some of my friends. Everyone brought a snack to share. I brought fruit. Unfortunately, I was having so much fun that I let my guard down and I ended up eating a whole bunch of sugary things. Three months of doing well and one bite messed up my eating in a big way. It's so true that you cannot just eat a little. One bite leads to a landslide. I've been off-kilter since the Chicago trip. The struggle to get back where you were can feel almost impossible. God's Word says "For I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." (Philippians 4:13) I need to refocus. I need to focus on God and I need to log all of my food choices in WW online. Today, I stepped on the scale, recorded my weigh in (which was up a little) and logged my breakfast. I read today's entry in the 24 Hour book. It's the book that people in Alcoholics Anonymous read every day. You plug in food addict words in place of alcohol and most of it applies. Any addiction is a LIFELONG struggle. It's hard....that's why we're instructed to focus on today and not look too far ahead. Get through today. Then the next day. Then the next day. In the middle of this struggle, God is bringing me more people to help. It's amazing that as you work to help others with the same struggle, it helps you too.

Time to Refocus

It is easy to lose your focus and get sidetracked....especially when you go on vacation. My husband and I spent a few days in Chicago last week with our kids. It was a nice family getaway. The kids loved the big city and especially the aquarium! When you battle food addiction, travel is tricky! As I think of my food choices from last week, some were good, some were not so good. I didn't really go 'whole hog' but I did compromise some of my food choices. Even the few days after we got home, I didn't really refocus my effort on staying in recovery. That stops here. Today is a new day and while I cannot go backward, I CAN change how I move forward. I started with an 'in plan' breakfast. One thing I've learned is to stay positive and not to dwell on the negative. Thinking through my week and reflecting on what happened is the best way to move in the right direction. I am going to continue with my running program too. We did so much walking in Chicago, my legs were sore for a few days. Onward and upward!

Easter

Easter is tomorrow. I see many posts about eggs, bunnies, and Jesus. Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' amazing resurrection! I think about what He did on the cross and to be honest, it is hard to comprehend it in its fullness. I do not want to take His sacrifice for granted. This holiday is full of candy, baskets, bunny cakes, Peeps...a food addicts nightmare. My family traditionally had a ham for dinner, but when I think about the sodium content and the expense of trying to find an organic ham, it's just not worth the hassle. My parents and in-laws are coming for dinner tomorrow. I am making lasagne instead. One will be 'regular' and one gluten free. I will be using organic ground chicken instead of beef. There will be salad as well. I am also making a gluten free, sugar free orange poppyseed cake for dessert. My kids are not getting an Easter basket this year either. Instead, I bought each of them an Easter gift that promotes family time. I am amazed at the journey that God has me on and how it is changing the dynamic of my family in healthier ways. What a blessing it is! God sacrificed His son for the world. Every day, He is teaching me to sacrifice my want for my health. I sacrifice eating unhealthy foods for healthy ones. I sacrifice sedentary lifestyle for running. Honestly, it's all worth it. My body is the temple of the Holy Spirit and I am cleaning the temple out for God's glory!