Secret Hell

No one knows the secret hell that addicts face, unless you've also been there. I imagine each type of addiction is slightly different in what that hell looks like. For me, someone who struggles with food addiction, my secret hell is in my head. I am still struggling to get back into full recovery. In talking with Doc today, one bite of the wrong thing can be enough for some people to fall. That one bite turns into 6-10 days of hell. Food addiction is tough because sugar and wheat mess with your brain chemistry. That is why my hell is in my head. My brain chemistry is really out of whack. I was driving with my son a few minutes ago, heading to the bank, and it started.....a craving that threatened to take me over. I had two different voices yelling in my head. Remember in the older cartoons where there would be a character and there was a devil and an angel on their shoulders? That is what I sometimes get in my head. I have my brain and body screaming at me to go get this food item. When it is yelling at you that hard, you want to hurry up and feed it so that it shuts up. That's why addicts cannot walk away alone. There is literal bondage to the substance in question. The voice is screaming at me and I am going to feed it, knowing full well that it is going to make me feel awful. I will get physically sick from it. Sounds like insanity, doesn't it? My other voice was the Holy Spirit, reminding me that I do not have to let food win. Through God, I can glorify him through walking away and replacing this struggle with something healthy. A verse in 2 Timothy I read this morning says to let God be our strength. The Holy Spirit reminded me of that, so here I sit writing this instead of caving into the bad voice. I chose to let God win.